


Sanctuary

by kelex



Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, episode-related, hurt-comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-08
Updated: 2004-02-08
Packaged: 2017-11-01 12:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/356574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelex/pseuds/kelex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes a sanctuary isn't just a place where you go; it's what you *need.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sanctuary

## Sanctuary

by Kel

<http://kelex.popullus.net/smallville.html>

* * *

Clark can't take this any longer. The guilt is eating him alive. Nobody understands it, and he knows how self-pitying it sounds, but in this case, it's true. 

His father has no concept of what is happening; thinks that this is all for the best and even though he doesn't say it, Clark figures his father has always thought Lex could use a few good zappings to get the demons out. 

But he's surprised that his mother doesn't understand. Martha has always been the one to understand how he feels about Lex, Martha has always been the one to understand _Lex_ and that he isn't always the evil thing that Jonathan thinks he is. But now, though, it's like she's been replaced with a pod person, because all she thinks about now is sending him to Lana's party and he really doesn't care. 

It hurts, a little, that she is sending him to this party, instead of at least asking if he wants to go to see Lex again, but maybe she's being a better mother than he realizes. Maybe she knows that seeing Lex tears him into teeny tiny shreds of Clark-guilt and hopes that if he goes to see Lana they can make up and be Clark and Lana again, because the Clark of Clark and Lana is usually a happy guy. 

Only Clark thinks she's not that smart, because if she were, she'd know that Clark and Lana was over before the summer started, and that since he came home from Metropolis, Clark doesn't feel seventeen anymore. He feels twenty-seven instead, knows things now he wishes he had never had to learn, but he knows them. 

He knows what it's like to be blamed for killing your mother's unborn baby. 

He knows what it's like to ruin your best friend's life--because Pete told him so, how hard it was to keep the secret, and he wishes now that Pete had never found the spaceship last year. 

He knows what it's like to give up a friend because you know you'll hurt them, and he's scared that maybe this means he'll have to give up Lex too, to keep him safe. 

He knows what it's like to let someone innocent suffer because you were afraid to do anything about it. And he knows what it feels like to be too late to help. 

Lex told him earlier, that the one thing he'd never forget is how much Clark's friendship means to him. And that makes Clark feel a little bit sick around the edges, because it just makes him realize how bad a friend he is, how worse a lover he is. He gets even sicker when Lex hugs him, because it's like coming home after you've been away for a very long time, but all the furniture is rearranged. It's home, but not quite. 

And despite the fact that he doesn't want to go to the party, he does, and he leaves just as soon as he gets there, because it's obvious he wasn't invited and that Lana doesn't want him there. What he sees, though, makes him even sicker around the edges than he was before, because he sees Chloe and Pete and Lana all hanging out together, laughing and happy and sharing, and they're _smiling_ because he's not there complicating things. 

His friends don't really smile when he's around them, and seeing them together like this only confirms what Clark is afraid of. That he's going to be alone. That he's never going to have another friend, because of what it does to them. If it's not a physical hurt like Lex and Lana, then it's an emotional trauma like Chloe, or a life-ruining one like with Pete. 

Lana, Chloe, Pete, and it makes Clark wonder if everyone was happier when he was in Metropolis. Because he wasn't there to complicate things. Lana didn't get stomped by horses and Chloe didn't get her heart broken and Pete didn't have to worry about Clark's secret. And he thinks about going back, like he thinks about it every day, but he doesn't. Because he knows he can't. 

He can't worry his parents like that. He can't worry his friends like that, and most of all, he can't leave Lex unprotected now. Clark knows he has to stay, has to make sure that Lex's father can't touch him or can't hurt him anymore, has to make sure that Lex is okay. 

Because Clark realizes Jonathan is right; there are powerful people out there. And Lionel is one of them. But so is Clark, and now he knows it. He knows now how powerful he is and can be; the summertime taught him that. He can take or do whatever he wants, and nobody can stop him. 

And that's liberating for Clark to know, but constricting all the same, because it means that it's Clark's responsibility to do the right thing, because more people could be hurt if he didn't. But it also means that he gets to be the one who protects Lex from Lionel, because Clark is the only person more powerful than Lionel. 

And none of that is making this party any easier to bear when Lana turns away and ignores him, so Clark knows it's time for him to go. 

He can't go home, because there's too many questions and too much to explain there, why he didn't stay at the party, why he didn't try to make amends, and those are questions Clark doesn't want to deal with right now--or, actually ever. 

He can't go to the Talon, because that's where the party was, and there wasn't anything for him to _do_ at the Torch right now, because Lex was safe, his records were safe and sealed and deleted, and he was just waiting for Lionel to do something he could nail him for. 

Clark knows that there's one place he could go, but even thinking about it makes his stomach churn and the monster in his belly rear up and start chewing at his insides. Guilt swamps him at the merest hint of the thought, and if he hadn't been outside gulping down huge breaths of cool air, he thinks he might have been sick for once in his life. 

He doesn't want to feel anything, if this is going to be what he feels every day for the rest of his life. He just wants to curl up around something and die, but he can't. He's obliged by too much, too many people need him and depend on him, and he has a job now, to protect Lex, and he can't fail again. 

In the end, there is only one place he can go, and he goes. He knew he would, despite the creature chewing holes through him every second he's there, it's the only place Clark can go and know that he's welcome and he's loved. 

When he gets to Lex's mansion, it's barely ten o'clock, and the house is quiet. All the rooms are dark except for one on the top floor, and the doors are open on the balcony. He knows it's Lex's room, looks to make sure that Lex is alone, and can see only one skeleton in bed, looking out the open window despite the book on its lap. He lets his vision slide backwards a notch, and flesh covers the bone to reveal Lex's face, Lex's body, Lex's eyes staring at his despite the difference. 

Clark runs towards the building, jumping the security fence in a heartbeat, jumping again and pulling himself up onto the balcony as he stands uncertainly against the railing. 

"I knew you were out there," says Lex. "Did you climb up the trellis?" 

Clark knows that Lex knows he didn't climb up the trellis, and he just shrugs it off. Instead, he takes off his jacket and doesn't say anything as he crawls into bed with Lex and curls up around him. 

He's surprised that Lex is allowing it, but he was even more surprised when Lex's arms come around him and hold him, stroking the back of his head calmingly, and Clark cries. 

He cries because he feels guilty, for even being here, for letting Lex comfort him. He cries because he's guilty for not saving Lex when he asked; he cries because he knows that he has let Lex down and lied to him earlier, and Lex is here holding him now. 

And Lex doesn't ask. He just sits with Clark in his bed, letting Clark cry on his shoulder like he's five years old. Lex's fingers stroke through Clark's hair, and tries to comfort him as much as he can. Clark appreciates it, even though it makes him cry more, because he knows he doesn't deserve it. 

"What's wrong, Clark?" Lex asks, letting his fingers stroke through Clark's hair. 

Clark listens to the quieting, calming sound of Lex's voice, feels the soothing touches on his hair, and feels sick to his stomach because he realizes that Lex still cares about him. Despite everything, Lex still loves him, and he cries harder. 

Lex doesn't try to talk to Clark again, just holds him close, hugs him and strokes his hair and his shoulders until Clark feels like he's ready to talk. Because Lex thinks he knows that's why Clark has come, maybe to fill in the gap in his memory, to tell him why he feels so protective of Clark, more so than he ever has before. But he is patient, because he knows Clark needs this. Needs to purge whatever it is inside of him that keeps him from speaking or living. 

Finally, after what feels like forever, Clark can make himself stop crying. He has to, because he knows that if he doesn't, he won't ever stop. 

Lex seems to sense it, and he moves his hand from Clark's hair to stroking the nape of his neck. He gives a little, quiet smile and he asks it again. "What's wrong, Clark?" 

"Everything's wrong," Clark forces out past the lump in his throat. He doesn't know how much of the treatment Lex remembers. He doesn't know. "You... you're just... the best friend ever, and Lex, you mean so much to me, and I don't... I don't deserve you. I can't take care of you." 

"I'm not a dog, Clark. You don't have to take care of me." Lex keeps stroking calmly, as though he's gentling a skittish horse. 

"Yes, I do," Clark answers, letting his cheek rest on Lex's blanket-covered thigh as his head stays in Lex's lap. "You tried to protect me, even when... even when Ian and Eric were trying to hurt you. You fought, fought through it as hard as you could to get to me and help me, even though you knew. I saw it, they hurt you." 

"It's all right," Lex says softly, and he means it. "It's all over now, whoever Ian and Eric are, they didn't hurt me, see? I'm fine." With the familiarity of longtime lovers, Lex brings Clark's hand to bare chest, and lets it slide down. "No injuries." 

Clark moves his hand from Lex's chest and sits up, moving in the bed until he is sitting cross-legged in front of Lex and is stroking over the crown of his head. "Here, Lex. Here's where you were hurt and I couldn't stop it. But I'm going to give it back to you." Clark nods with the firmness of the decision made. 

Whatever Lex might be thinking or feeling, his eyes don't show it as he looks at Clark. They're warm and encouraging, but they aren't windows anymore. They're more like mirrors, and Clark feels guilty for that, too. He knows that's his fault. 

He can't stop stroking his hands over the smooth dome of Lex's head, and Lex lets him. When he starts to speak, Clark's hands come down to cup Lex's face gently, so that Lex can't look away. "I'm not human. everything you ever thought about me was true. I saved you that day on the bridge; I stopped Morgan Edge's car from hitting you. You saw him shoot me, you saw me stop the car and rip through it like it was tissue paper." 

"Yes, I did," Lex answers softly, not blinking. "I saw you risk your life to save me. In the asylum, I remember you were there. But the others, they knew... they knew your weakness. I don't remember what it was. I tried to help you, but... somebody took me away." 

Lex did blink then, and his eyes had changed back, from mirrors to windows again, and Lex's hands came up to wrap around Clark's wrists. "The shocks... they weren't strong. They didn't work, not completely. Some things... I know I'm forgetting. But I never forgot you, Clark. How much your friendship means to me. How much you mean to me." He blinks again, and the windows were still open. 

"Meteor rocks," Clark supplies instantly, without batting an eye. "Meteor rocks are my weakness. The green ones." 

Lex closes his eyes as if in thought, and then they snap open again. "Edge. He had them too. On a string, like rosary beads. You crawled through them to keep him from shooting me." 

Clark nods, encouraging the memory. "That's right." His thumbs stroke Lex's cheeks, and he wants to kiss his lover but he can't yet. He doesn't feel like he's earned it, and the mention of the shocks are knives in his belly. "Van, the one that tried to shoot you? He knew, and I think he told the others." 

"He's dead," Lex says suddenly, remembering more. "He was killed in the weight room. The orderlies at the asylum were talking about it." He shakes his head then, as though he can't remember how he knows that. "You came for me. To save me." 

Clark nods, and the knives that slice his insides chop harder as the lump rises back into his throat. "Yes. But I was too late." 

"But you came," Lex says. 

Clark nods again. "I shouldn't tell you this, because it's only going to ruin your life. I ruin everybody's life, Lex, and I don't want to ruin yours, not after everything." His hands stroke over Lex's head again, alluding to what he cannot say. "But I have to give it back to you. What you lost. I had to give it back, if I could." 

Lex just shakes his head. "Trusting me can't ruin my life, Clark. I won't tell anyone, you have my word." 

Clark nods fiercely at that. "I know, Lex. You didn't tell anyone before, and you won't now. Just... promise you won't hate me for telling you in a year or five years, when the fun part of knowing has worn off and it comes down to thinking of it every day and every time you open your mouth." 

Lex just stares at Clark. "I don't know who else knows, and I don't want to. But whoever told you that it was a burden is wrong, Clark. I'll protect you, I'll protect your secret, not because I have to but because I want to. You trust me, Clark, and I won't betray you." 

Clark knows that it won't always be true. He knows that Lex will hate him someday for burdening him with this information, but he can't help being selfish, and wanting Lex to help him share the load. Because Lex is strong like he is, and maybe together there's a way they can make it work. 

As he is thinking, Lex's hands are stroking his and finally Lex's voice breaks. 

"Am I going to have to beg?" 

Clark blinks, and tears his attention away from the churning pit of his own feelings and realizes that Lex is touching him, pulling him close and Lex's eyes are looking at his mouth. In a sudden instant, he realizes what Lex is asking him for, and though he feels he hasn't earned it yet, he nods. "Are you sure?" 

Lex's answer is simple. "I'm not afraid of you, Clark. You're everything I dreamed you were. I'm not afraid of my dreams." His hands are touching Clark more strongly now, tugging and encouraging. " _He_ touched me while I was in there, my face, my hands, and I couldn't stop him," Lex whispers, and Clark pulls him close, moving Lex into his lap and pressing them chest to chest. "Touch me, Clark, don't be afraid of me." 

"I'm not," Clark answers quickly, feeling Lex's hands pushing at his shirt and helping pull it off so they are skin to skin, positions changing as he comforts his lover. "I'm never afraid of you, Lex." Clark's hands start stroking over Lex's skin, possessively as what Lex said about Lionel begins to penetrate and he growls. 

It's just one more thing that Lionel Luthor will have to pay for. 

But for now, Clark pushes the thoughts of Lionel Luthor out of his head and centers them on Lex, who needs him more than anyone else in the world. And it's a simple thing to think that, but the need and urgency and understanding that was happening between them, without words, was making Clark realize that maybe Lex was one of the powerful people too, and Lex could withstand the pressure. 

Lex rolls onto his back, sliding off Clark's lap and pulling Clark down on top of him, obviously needy and urgent, wanting almost as much as Clark does. Clark doesn't fight it; he knows he still has so much horrible past to make up for, but if Lex can still find a way to love him and want him, even knowing the truth, then maybe he didn't fail as much as he thought. 

Some of the tightness in his chest eases with that thought, and Clark is able to breathe for the first time since he'd come to see Lex that night. 


End file.
